Confusion, or just Regret?
by AliCat2308
Summary: Harry muses over his marriage to his best friend's sister. A bit of Harry/Ron.


Harry looked at his son, Albus, sleeping peacefully in his crib next to Harry and Ginny's bed. He had been named after a particularly important man in Harry's life –a man important in many different ways. He named his son after the man who had given his life to make sure that the Dark Lord was defeated, and he gave his life before the ultimate goal was achieved. Harry knew that took courage and soul, to trust in people, such as Severus Snape, who had once been on the side of the Dark Lord. Albus Dumbeldore gave his life for a cause he would never see come into being. And that took serious character.

But Albus Dumbeldore not only possessed one of the most commonly sought-after character traits -the ability to sacrafice oneself for a cause that would ultimately be unknown to that of the one sacrificing- but he also had the strength to be at peace with himself for something that Harry had battled with himself about for months. Maybe even years.

Harry loved Ginny. He really did. But he couldn't help himself. His mind wandered while he was away on business. Sure, when he was looking at Ginny he couldn't help but fall in love with her bright smile. He appreciated her strong, yet sometimes a bit overbearing, personality. He accepted her faults, as well as her strengths. That's what marriage is all about right?

But it's a lot easier to fall in love with someone who's sitting right in front of you, Harry thought to himself. He'd been away for two weeks out of every month for the last three months. That much time alone had given him time to think, while laying alone in such sterile, white, empty hotel rooms. And his thoughts surprised him.

He wasn't thinking about his wife. He wasn't dreaming about her while he was away. He was dreaming about other people –who weren't necessarily women. Dreaming and thinking about other women would have almost made things easier for him to accept. He was dreaming about going away and leaving everything he knew behind –including his wife. Including everyone except his best friend. Ron had been with him through it all –he'd been right by his side when Harry found out about the Sorcerer's Stone, as well as at his side every time he'd woken up in the hospital wing after a Quidditch match. He'd really been there through it all.

What Harry couldn't quite come to terms with though, was if it was normal, or even acceptable, to have more than friendly feelings about a boy that had become more than just a best friend. He had become a brother-in-law. Harry didn't know where to draw the "this-is-no-longer-acceptable" line. In his mind things were different than they were in waking life.

Harry would see Ron at family gatherings. They were family, after all. He had married Ron's sister. Did that make things incestuous? Not by blood. But did that make it wrong? Harry was all around confused. He found himself not only thinking about Ron rather than his wife while lying along in hotel rooms, but he found himself laughing fondly in his mind about Ron's drunken attempts at overly complicated charms at the family Christmas party, and about how Ron didn't seem to dwell over the loss of his brother. Surely he mourned it, but Ginny seemed to throw it in Harry's face every chance she got, as if it were an excuse for unacceptable behavior.

Ron was Harry's other half. He had accepted that. But was he ready to accept the physical aspect of it? He didn't know how that would work out. He hadn't spoken to Ron about any of this (of course, Ron would probably try to kick his ass for loving anyone BUT his little sister), and he didn't know if Ron would take to it kindly or not. But if Ron reacted poorly to Harry's feelings, Harry would never be so close with him again. And he wasn't willing to risk the most important aspect of his life.

He wasn't willing to risk the only person that really ever kept him alive.

And as Harry smiled to himself, looking at his son Albus, he remembered that Albus also battled with his sexuality. Harry wondered if the feelings of remorse, regret, fantasy, and loneliness were something that Dumbeldore had also battled with, and won. Harry wondered if perhaps Dumbeldore was stronger than he was himself, and after smirking at the fact that Ginny hadn't a clue why Harry really named their son Albus, he rolled over in his bed, and saw for just a fleeting moment the thing he had desired most for the last ten years.

He saw Ron's smiling, freckled face for a short instant before the red hair grew longer and the smiling fantasty face turned quickly into the boring face that Harry was doomed to wake up next to for the rest of his life- Ginny's.


End file.
